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Saturday, May 2, 2009

What a Waste of an Ear!

[Warning! Make sure you haven’t eaten recently before reading this blog entry.]

“The Body is Obsolete” is the claim made by freak-show “artist” Stelarc, the Australian entertainer who works primarily in Japan, Europe and the US (What? The Aussies probably can’t drink enough to keep this guy in business in the homeland?) Don’t get your bits in a bunch because I call him an entertainer – his own website offers glimpses into his “performances.” This guy is a definitely a Trekkie gone extreme.
Stelarc’s latest venture includes grafting an ear onto his forearm with plans of implanting a microphone and Bluetooth transmitter into the ear so he can ‘hear’ what his arm-ear is hearing. Why? How far away from your biological ears is your forearm, buddy? Why not implant something really useful like… an iPod? Or maybe a breathalizer? Or a real muscle so you can carry your bags of money to the bank?

Stelarc’s selection of body part and usage indicates that his is… as we say… an “AOL user.” He could have done some really cool stuff if he knew a bit more about mobile technology and constant need for speed and information. Here are some cyber-bio ideas that I hope to jot off and send to him (under the email addressing of Nurse Chappell, of course):

WiFi Interference Arm: Implant a Wi-Spy adapter in your arm (complete with antenna). Wire internally to your ‘funny bone’ so you can immediately detect strong WiFi signals or even interference (ouch!) nearby.

Storage Stomach: Since many folks are already getting their stomach’s stapled and all, there my be a bit of extra use to few drives in there – connector would be routed through your belly button so you can jack-in through that nifty belt that connects to your production machine. Hey - maybe we can use skinny people for extra off-line storage for others who have run out of room... wait! Instead of breast implants, we could have 'bits implants' - now that's thinking! Sexy storage!
Voice Recognition Nose: Mumble your thoughts and this nose picks up (now it’s doing the picking!) your ramblings and translates it into text format to store on the drive in your stomach or later offloading. (A hypo-allergenic version would be most desirable.)

I bet you can come up with all sorts of cyber-bio combos that would be waaaay more handy than an ear/mic in your forearm! Why isn’t this guy taking some classes in technology so he can create something we really WANT to see?

Just my 2 bits.